What Got You Here Won't Get You There

This book was written by an executive coach about changing interpersonal behaviour. His clientele are typically high-level managers. However, I think this book is relevant for leaders at any level. I certainly found myself guilty of some of the bad behaviours described in this book, like passing judgement, speaking when angry, and a need to be “me”. I’m actively applying the techniques recommended, and it’s going well so far. Highly recommended for anyone who wants to grow.

Beliefs Behind Why We Resist Change

The four beliefs below make us superstitious about our success - the confusion of correlation with causality. In reality, we sometimes succeed in spite of our behaviour.

1. Optimism about the past: I have already succeeded
2. Optimism about the present: I am confident that I can succeed
3. Optimism about the future: I have the motivation to succeed
4. Self-determination: I choose to succeed

Habits That Hold You Back from the Top

1. Winning too much: the need to win at all costs and in all situations when it’s beside the point.
2. Adding too much value: The overwhelming desire to add our two cents to every discussion.
3. Passing judgement: The need to rate others and impose our standards on them.
4. Making destructive comments: The needless sarcasms and cutting remarks that we think make us sound sharp and witty.
5. Starting with “No”, “But”, or “However”: The overuse of these negative qualifiers which secretly say to everyone, “I’m right. You’re wrong.”
6. Telling the world how smart we are: The need to show people we’re smarter than they think we are.
7. Speaking when angry: Using emotional volatility as a management tool.
8. Negativity, or “Let me explain why that won’t work”: The need to share our negative thoughts even when we weren’t asked.
9. Withholding information: The refusal to share information in order to maintain an advantage over others.
10. Failing to give proper recognition: The inability to praise and reward.
11. Claiming credit that we don’t deserve: The most annoying way to overestimate our contribution to any success.
12. Making excuses: The need to reposition our annoying behavior as a permanent fixture so people excuse us for it.
13. Clinging to the past: The need to deflect blame away from ourselves and onto events and people from our past; a subset of blaming everyone else.
14. Playing favorites: Failing to see that we are treating someone unfairly.
15. Refusing to express regret: The inability to take responsibility for our actions, admit we’re wrong, or recognize how our actions affect others.
16. Not listening: The most passive-aggressive form of disrespect for colleagues.
17. Failing to express gratitude: The most basic form of bad manners.
18. Punishing the messenger: The misguided need to attack the innocent who are usually only trying to help us.
19. Passing the buck: The need to blame everyone but ourselves.
20. An excessive need to be “me”: Exalting our faults as virtues simply because they’re who we are.
21. Goal obsession: The force that motivates us to finish a job perfectly in the face of any obstacle, typically arising from a misunderstanding of what we want in our lives.

Changing for the Better

1. Apologise:
   • Just go “I’m sorry, i’ll try to do better in future”
   • Add nothing else
2. Advertise
   • Tell everyone you want to get better in exactly which area(s)
   • Do it repeatedly
   • Ask for ideas on how to get better
     • Stop asking for feedback and then expressing your opinion. The only appropriate answer is “thank you”.
     • Soliciting feedback: Don’t ask “what do you think of me” - ask “how can I do better? “
     • Observational feedback:
       1. Make a list of people’s casual remarks about you
       2. Watch people’s behaviour and body language towards you
       3. Complete the sentence: “If I [one thing you want to improve], I will [benefit to yourself and others here]”. Keep going until you exhaust the benefits.
       4. Listen to your self-aggrandising remarks. What you boast about is probably your weakness.
       5. Look homeward: your flaws at work don’t vanish when you walk through the front door at home.
   • Being your own press secretary
     • Boost your self-awareness: Maintain the mindset that people are watching you closely
     • Every day is an opportunity to reinforce your message of trying to improve
     • Win your colleagues’ votes for the “new and improved you”
     • Focus on the long-term goal of fixing yourself
3. Listen
   • Think before you speak
   • Listen with respect
     • Don’t interrupt
     • Don’t finish the other person’s sentences
     • Don’t say “I knew that”
     • Don’t even agree with the other person
     • Don’t use the words “no”, “but”, and “however”
     • Don’t be distracted
     • Ask intelligence question to (a) show you’re paying attention, (b) move the conversation forward, and (c) require the other person to talk
     • Eliminate the urge to impress the other person with how smart or funny you are
   • Ask yourself: “Is it worth it saying …?”
   • Make the other person feel like he’s the only person in the room
4. Thanking
   • Be liberal with thanks
   • Provides closure
   • Disarms anger
5. Following Up
   • Measures progress
   • Reminds people of intent to change
   • Reminds yourself that improvement is an ongoing process
   • Ask “How am I doing?”
   • There is a disconnect between understanding and doing
6. Feedforward:
   1. Pick on behaviour you would like to change
   2. Describe the objective with anyone you know
   3. Ask for two suggestions for the future
   4. Listen attentively to the suggestions - the only permitted response is “thank you”
   5. Repeat with different people

The Rules on Changing

1. You might not have a disease that behaviour change can cure (e.g. confusing interpersonal problems with something else)
2. Pick the right thing to change - don’t miswant or mischoose
3. Don’t delude yourself about what you really must change - choose high-impact improvements
4. DOn’t hide from the truth you need to hear
5. There is no ideal behaviour, no benchmark
6. If you can measure it, you can achieve it
7. Monetise the result (or punishment) to create a solution
8. The best time to change is now

Other Pointers

• Memo to staff: How to Handle Me
  • Product warning to tell people how to deal with your personal failings
• Don’t let staff overwhelm you by being too dependent on you
• Stop acting as if you are managing people like you
• Stop checking the box
• Stop being prejudiced about your employees (i.e. free agents)
  1. You think you know what they want
  2. You think you know what they know
  3. You hate their “selfishness”
  4. You think you can just replace them with someone else
• Stop trying to coach people who aren’t teachable